Disobedience to parents

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Q: I often have attacks of anger and because I cannot control my temper, I sometimes swear at my parents and physically abuse them. After I calm down, I say sorry to them and ask them for forgiveness. I feel very guilty because my parents are old and due to my physical abuse, they suffer body pains. I am very scared that something dangerous might happen to me on account of my ill-treatment towards my parents. My question is, “Will I burn in hell for treating my parents in this manner?” How can I repent for this sin?

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A: The Hadith explains that your parents are your paradise or your hell. If you are kind, compassionate and loving towards them, and in permissible matters, you obey and serve them as you ought to, you will be blessed with paradise. On the contrary, if you disobey them, and you are harsh, rude and mean towards them, then your evil treatment towards them will be the means of you entering the fire of hell. Refrain from such evil and sinful deeds and sincerely repent to Allah Ta’ala for your past. Similarly, beg their forgiveness and show them compassion and love. If you are sincere, Allah Ta’ala will forgive you. Otherwise, the consequences for ill-treating one’s parents and oppressing them are extremely disastrous and detrimental in this world and the next.

Below we will present verses of the Qur’an Majeed and a few Mubaarak Ahaadith of Rasulullah (sallalahu alaihi wasallam) which relate to the rights of parents:

The Command of Showing Kindness to Parents:

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا ﴿الإسراء: ٢٣﴾

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor scold them, instead address them in a respectful manner.

وَإِذْ أَخَذْنَا مِيثَاقَ بَنِي إِسْرَائِيلَ لَا تَعْبُدُونَ إِلَّا اللَّـهَ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ﴿البقرة: ٨٣﴾

And remember when We took a covenant from the Bani Israa’eel that you worship none but Allah; and treat your parents with kindness.

Serving One’s Aged Parents is Equal to Nafl Jihaad:

حدثنا حبيب بن أبي ثابت قال سمعت أبا العباس الشاعر وكان لا يتهم في حديثه قال سمعت عبد الله بن عمرو رضي الله عنهما يقول جاء رجل إلى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فاستأذنه في الجهاد فقال أحي والداك قال نعم قال ففيهما فجاهد (صحيح البخاري، الرقم: 3004)

Hazrat Abdullah bin Amr (radhiyallahu anhuma) narrates that on one occasion, a Sahaabi came to Rasulullah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) seeking permission to participate in jihaad. Rasulullah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) inquired,  “Are your parents alive?”  The Sahaabi replied, “Yes”. Rasulullah (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) responded, “Your Jihaad is in serving them (as they are old and in need of your service).”

عن معاوية بن جاهمة أن جاهمة جاء إلى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال يا رسول الله أردت أن أغزو وقد جئتك أستشيرك فقال هل لك من أم قال نعم  قال فالزمها فإن الجنة عند رجلها (شرح مشكل الآثار، الرقم: 2132)

Hazrat Muaawiyah ibn Jaahimah reports that Hazrat Jaahimah (radhiyallahu anhu) came to Nabi (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) and asked, “O Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam), I intend going for jihaad, however I have come to consult you first.” Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) inquired, “Do you have a mother (who is in need of your service)?” Hazrat Jaahimah (radhiyallahu anhu) replied, “yes” Thereafter, Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “Hold firmly to her and serve her, for verily Jannah lies at her feet.”

Acquiring the Reward of Hajj, Umrah and Jihaad

عن أنس رضي الله عنه قال أتى رجل رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فقال إني أشتهي الجهاد ولا أقدر عليه قال هل بقي من والديك أحد قال أمي قال قابل الله في برها فإذا فعلت ذلك فأنت حاج ومعتمر ومجاهد (الترغيب والترهيب، الرقم: 3747)

Hazrat Anas (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) reports that a man came to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) and said, “I wish to participate in jihaad, but I cannot afford it.” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) enquired if any of his parents were alive, to which he said, “Yes, My mother is alive.” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said, “Show Allah Ta‘ala how you serve her. If you do so, you will be like a haaji, a mu’tamir (one doing Umrah) and a mujaahid (one striving in the path of Allah Ta‘ala).”

The Pleasure of Allah Ta’ala Lies in The Pleasure of The Parents:

عن عبد الله بن عمرو عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال رضى الرب في رضى الوالد وسخط الرب في سخط الوالد (سنن الترمذي، الرقم: 1899)

Hazrat Abdullah bin Amr (radhiyallahu anhuma) narrates that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “The pleasure of Allah Ta’ala lies in the pleasure of the parents, and the displeasure of Allah Ta’ala lies in the displeasure of the parents.”

Your Parents are either Your Paradise or Your Hell:

عن أبي أمامة أن رجلا قال يا رسول الله ما حق الوالدين على ولدهما قال هما جنتك ونارك (سنن ابن ماجه، الرقم: 3662)

Hazrat Abu Umaamah (Radhiyallahu Anhu) relates that a certain Sahaabi asked, “O Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam), what rights do parents have over their children?”  Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) replied, “They are either your (means of entering) Jannat or your (means of entering) Jahannum.”

عن ابن عباس قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم من أصبح مطيعا لله في والديه أصبح له بابان مفتوحان من الجنة وإن كان واحدا فواحدا ومن أمسى عاصيا لله في والديه أصبح له بابان مفتوحان من النار وإن كان واحدا فواحدا قال رجل وإن ظلماه قال وإن ظلماه وإن ظلماه وإن ظلماه (شعب الإيمان، الرقم: 7538)

Hazrat Ibnu Abbaas (Radhiyallahu Anhuma) relates that Rasullullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “Whoever spends his day obeying Allah Ta’ala with regards to his parents, every morning two doors of Jannat will be open for him. If he only has one parent alive then only one door will be opened for him. Whoever spends his day disobeying Allah Ta’ala with regards to his parents then two doors of Jahannum will be open for him. If he only has one parent alive then only one door will be opened for him.”  The Sahaabi asked, “Even if they oppress you (i.e. should you still be kind to them)?”  Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) replied, “Even if they oppress you! Even if they oppress you! Even if they oppress you!”

Pleasing One’s Parents and Looking at them with Mercy is equal in Reward to an Accepted Nafl Hajj:

عن ابن عباس أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال ما من ولد بار ينظر نظرة رحمة إلا كتب الله بكل نظرة حجة مبرورة قالوا وإن نظر كل يوم مائة مرة قال نعم الله أكبر وأطيب (شعب الإيمان، الرقم: 7472 هذا الحديث وإن كان ضعيفا ولكن يقبل في فضائل الأعمال لأجل الشواهد)

Hazrat Abdullah bin Abbaas (radhiyallahu ‘anhuma) reports that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said, “There is no obedient child who looks at his parents with mercy (and love) except that Allah Ta‘ala records for him the reward of an accepted Hajj for every time he looks (at his parents with mercy)” The Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) asked, “Even if he looks one hundred times every day?” Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) replied, “Yes, Allah Ta‘ala is the greatest and He is much more bountiful (His reward is much more than you can imagine).”

The Evil Consequence for Ill-treating Parents:

وعن أبي بكرة رضي الله عنه قال قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلمكل الذنوب يغفر الله منها ما شاء إلا عقوق الوالدين فإنه يعجل لصاحبه في الحياة قبل الممات (شعب الإيمان، الرقم:7506)

Hazrat Abu Bakrah (Radhiyallahu Anhu) narrates that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “Allah Ta’ala will forgive whichever sin He so wishes besides the sin of showing disobedience to one’s parents (i.e.  Allah Ta’ala does not generally forgive this sin without one seeking forgiveness from one’s parents). Indeed Allah Ta’ala will (apart from the punishment in store in the hereafter for committing such a heinous crime), punish the person in this very world before he passes away.”

مالك بن الحسن بن مالك بن الحويرث عن أبيه عن جده قال صعد رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم المنبر فلما رقي عتبة قال آمين ثم رقي عتبة أخرى فقال آمين ثم رقي عتبة ​ثالثة فقال آمين ثم قال أتاني جبريل فقال يا محمد من أدرك رمضان فلم يغفر له فأبعده الله قلت آمين قال ومن أدرك والديه أو أحدهما فدخل النار فأبعده الله قلت آمين فقال ومن ذكرت عنده فلم يصل عليك فأبعده الله قل آمين فقلت آمين (صحيح ابن حبان، الرقم: 409)

Hazrat Maalik bin Huwairith narrates from his grandfather that on one occasion, Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) ascended the first step of the mimbar, and thereafter he said Aameen. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) then ascended the second step of the mimbar, and thereafter he said Aameen again. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) then ascended the third step of the mimbar and said Aameen for the third time. Thereafter, Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “(When I ascended the first step of the mimbar,) Jibreel (Alaihis Salaam) appeared before me and said, “Woe to him who found the blessed month of Ramadhaan and let it pass without gaining forgiveness”. Upon that, I said, “Aameen.” Then Jibreel (alaihis salaam) said, “Woe to the person in whose presence both parents or one of them attain old age, and through failing to serve them, he is not allowed to enter Jannah.” Upon that, I said, “Aameen.” Then Jibreel (alaihis salaam) said, “Woe to him before whom your name is mentioned and he does not recite durood upon you”. Upon that, I said, “Aameen.””

And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.

Answered by:

Mufti Zakaria Makada

Checked & Approved:

Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)

9 Tips to Raise Children Who Establish Salah

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9-Tips-to-Raise-Children-Who-Establish-Salah

“And establish prayer and pay zakah, and bow with those who bow” (Holy Quran, 2:43).

We all know that Salah is the second pillar of Islam, but often it’s a struggle for parents to raise children who pray regularly. Here are 9 tips to help your children to establish salah.

1. Lead by example.
“Believers, why do you say what you do not do? It is most offensive in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do!” (61:2-3)

When your children see you praying salah regularly, they will understand salah’s importance. How can you teach your children to pray regularly if you are not modeling this practice?

2. Teach your children why we pray.
Children are curious, thinking creatures. Explain to them the reasons and wisdom behind salah, such as:

a. It’s a way to show thankfulness to Allah for everything He gave us

b. It’s a way to be obedient to Allah’s commands

c. It helps us to remember that this life is temporary and our priority is to succeed in in the next life.

3. Encourage them to pray with you, especially at age 7 (even if they don’t know yet how to pray), and repeatedly remind them that they need to pray 5 times daily when they turn 10.
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “Instruct your children to pray when they are seven years old, and (lightly) smack them if they do not do it when they are ten, and separate them in their beds.” (Saheeh Abu Dawood and Ahmad)

This hadith teaches us to introduce prayer to children early, so that by age 10 they will start to pray regularly. It’s important to repeatedly remind children that they are expected to pray 5 times a day at the age of 10. By alerting them to this expectation, they will be mentally ready to start praying when they turn 10.

In regards to “smacking” children, this cannot be painful to the child. Light smacking should only be used if it will benefit the child. It cannot be on the face or hard enough to leave a mark (https://islamqa.info/en/answers/127233/how-to-smack-children-to-make-them-pray).

4. Teach your children how to pray by having them practice in front of you.
Gradually teach your children how to pray by letting them pray in front of you. Keep it basic and simple in the beginning. Of course this includes teaching them how to make wudu.

5. Praise, Encourage, and Speak Kindly
You want to create positive feelings regarding salah. Whenever children pray, praise them with a simple “Good job!” and a hug. Show them that you are proud of them for obeying Allah. Speak to your children with mercy and gentleness. Don’t make them feel like they are forced to pray. Help them to want to pray from their hearts.

The Prophet (pbuh) said, “Anyone who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect to our old ones is not one of us.” (Sahih Tirmidthi)

Speak to your children in a calm, respectful and caring way. Politeness is a basic value of Islam.

The Prophet (pbuh) said, “The little matters of courtesy that look easy to you and which you take lightly will be very important on the Day of Judgment.” (Sahih Tirmidhi)

“The Prophet did not swear at anyone, nor was he rude, nor did he curse anyone.” (Sahih Bukhari)

6. Make it Easy
Find that balance between firmness and gentleness. Sometimes children may not want to pray right away. Sometimes they want to pray alone. Sometimes you can be lenient with them, and sometimes you need to be firm. Gently remind them that praying with others brings more rewards.

Also, don’t make prayer too difficult by requiring children to pray sunnah prayers. People learn gradually so remember to make it easy at first.

The Prophet (pbuh) said, ““Facilitate things for people (concerning religious matters), and do not make it hard for them, and give them good tidings and do not make them runaway (from Islam).” (Sahih Bukhari)

7. Allow your children to lead prayers sometimes.
Children love to be leaders and to feel important. There are different scholarly opinions about children leading prayers, so if you are not comfortable with this idea, you can let your children think they are leading the prayer, but still perform your prayer as you would individually.

8. Make Dua for your children to be good Muslims.
Praying for your children “is one of the greatest means of guiding one’s children, although many people neglect it” (https://islamqa.info/en/answers/152628/dealing-with-children-who-are-heedless-about-prayer).

9. Understand your children’s unique personalities.
Every child is different and unique. It’s important to tailor your teaching techniques to their unique personalities. Some children need more flexibility and patience, while others are easier to teach. Remember that Allah will reward you for your patience with your children, and insha’Allah they will be a source of great reward for you in the next world.

THE ULTIMATE KINDNESS

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Every mother knows that it is impermissible for a child to breastfeed after the age of two. At the same time, mothers understand that their infant children cannot progress from a purely milk-based diet to a diet of solids overnight. If this drastic, unfamiliar change is thrust upon the child in an instant, he will struggle to adapt and his digestive system will suffer.

In exactly the same way, we all know that once a child becomes baaligh (reaches the age of maturity), it is compulsory for him to perform all the five daily salaah on time. Furthermore, in the case of a male, these salaah will have to be performed in the masjid.

Just as a mother begins weaning her breastfeeding child in advance, and gradually introduces solids to him, so that when he is two years of age, he is already accustomed to solids and can easily make the transition, the parents should adopt the same approach for their children’s salaah.

The hadeeth teaches us that we should commence teaching and training our children to perform their salaah when they reach the age of seven. Thereafter, when they reach the age of ten, they should be disciplined for showing laziness in regard to salaah. (Sunan Tirmizi #407) In other words, by the time they reach the age of ten, the concern for salaah should be firmly embedded in their hearts and punctuality on salaah should be their second nature.

As parents, it is really an injustice and unkindness on our side that we fail to teach our children the importance of salaah when they are young, and thereafter, when they are teens, we suddenly expect them to have perfect punctuality on their salaah. Although they are responsible and answerable for their own actions at this time, we will undoubtedly have a share in their sin of neglecting salaah as we are partially to blame.

The effort must be made to teach the children the importance of salaah. This is easily achieved through reading the chapter ‘Virtues of Salaah’ to our children in our daily home ta’leem of Fazaail-e-Aa’maal. Mothers should make their daughters and small sons perform salaah with them so that they learn the concept of salaah and develop eagerness for it.

Once a son reaches the age of seven, his father should begin taking him to the musjid. However, before doing so, the father must ensure that his son understands the sanctity of the masjid and knows how to conduct himself correctly. Thereafter, he must monitor his son and discipline him appropriately so that his son does not disturb others and become a nuisance in the masjid. In this regard, small children that do not understand the sanctity of the masjid should not be taken to the masjid.

Training our children in this manner is not only compulsory – it is a highly-rewarding investment and one of the ultimate acts of kindness that we can show them. Every single time our child performs salaah, until the day he or she passes away, we will be rewarded, as we taught them to perform salaah.

May Allah Ta‘ala bless us all to be punctual on our salaah and train our children correctly.

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REARING AND TRAINING CHILDREN

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REARING AND TRAINING CHILDREN

Rearing and training children

A mother is the most favourably positioned person who can direct and determine the role and character of her children. Speaking about her role of responsibility as the guide and overseer of her children, our Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said:

“And, the woman is the Shepherdess of the home of her husband and of his children. All of you will be questioned about their flock”.

Many famous men of Islam attained wilayat (sainthood) at the hands of their mothers. As a result of the sublime maternal efforts expended in the moral and spiritual training of children, they attained the lofty ranks of spiritual elevation.

The Deeni Ta’leem of a Muslim child commences from the day it has entered into this ephemeral world. The Athaan and Iqaamah are proclaimed in the ears of the infant, arousing in its mind the Pledge of Imaan which was taken from it long before it or its parents were created.

 

While most mothers nowadays believe that their maternal duties are confined to feeding and clothing their children, Islam expects and commands much more – of greater importance than physical care, is the spiritual care of the children. It is her incumbent and sacred duty to direct her full attention towards the Deeni, spiritual and moral training of her children.

The love which most parents nowadays show their children is no true love. Such love is in fact a fatal poison. A love which leads children to Jahannum is cruelty and injustice of the highest kind. Parents should submit and bend their love in whatever direction the Shariah points.

Children are a wonderful treasure and an amaanat – a sacred trust which dare not be abused. Parents who abuse this amaanat by failing to carry out their parental duties and obligations in the way Islam requires, are among the worst criminals and perpetrators of treachery, for they pave the way for the future ruin of their own offspring.

Some important advice with regard to rearing and training children will be enumerated here.

  1. Remember well that habits acquired in childhood are enduring. Good or bad traits and attributes acquired by the child will remain with him/her life­long. It is, therefore, imperative to maintain a diligent eye on the habits which a child picks up and develops in his character.
  2. Never frighten a child. Some mothers, in order to induce obedience in the child, scare the child by speaking of ghosts, etc. This is exceptionally bad. The child will grow up with a weak heart. Instead of inculcating courage, parents very ignorantly induce cowardice in their children.
  3. Have fixed times for their eating. Do not spoil their habits and their health with irregular eating habits.
  4. Let them use a miswaak from an early age. Let them wash their mouths after everything they eat, even after having drunk milk.
  5. Teach them to wash their hands before and after meals.
  6. Teach children all the Islamic etiquettes of eating, drinking, sleeping, wearing garments, entering and leaving the toilet, etc.
  7. When the child is able to talk, teach it first the Name of Allah Ta’ala. Even long before it can talk, parents should recite Qur’anic verses, the Names of Allah and the Kalimah to the child. The infant’s mind is receptive and it retains what it sees and hears.
  8. Parents should not become nude in the presence of even a six-month baby.
  9. Do not create in the child the love for luxury and adornment. Styles and fashions should be banished. Imbue in them simplicity.
  10. Now and then clothe children with patched garments even if you are wealthy.
  11. Until a girl has not attained the age of puberty, do not adorn her with jewellery. The love for adornment and luxury will be spawned in her from childhood.
  12. Inculcate generosity in children. Let them give food, etc. with their own hands to the poor.
  13. Share things among brothers and sisters. Let the eldest of the children arrange the division under your supervision.
  14. Always speak derisively of over-eating to them.
  15. Do not succumb to the obstinacy of children. To do so is fatal for their moral and spiritual development.
  16. Prevent them from screaming and speaking at the top of their voices.
  17. Never allow them to mix with other children. Brothers and sisters should play together within the home confines where their statements and actions could be kept under constant parental observation and supervision.
  18. Never allow them to wander around the neighbourhood.
  19. The most destructive influence is undoubtedly television. Think of the future of your children. Think of their success and salvation in the Hereafter and for their sake never introduce this evil into the home.
  20. Do not give them toys which are in the form of people or animals nor toys on which images of people or animals are painted.
  21. Inculcate aversion in the child for falsehood, greed, envy, pride, hatred and all evil attributes. Monitor the child’s development and constantly advise, admonish and reprimand him/her.
  22.             Do not scream at children.Point out their wrongs and explain the evil as best as you can.
  23. Never punish the child in a state of anger. If the child requires punishment for a misdemeanour, devise a suitable punishment and administer it after anger has subsided. Do not punish children simply to cool your anger. To do so is an act of injustice.
  24. Discourage the child from excessive speech and loud laughter.
  25. Whenever the child commits a misdeed or misbehaves, immediately call him/her to attention.
  26. Punish the child if he/she fights with another. Do not overlook such misdeeds. Ignoring a child’s perpetration of bullying tactics is tantamount to destroying your child.
  27. Create in the child the habit of rising early.
  28. At the age of seven ensure that the child performs Salaat regularly. By the age of ten if he/she has not yet developed the habit of performing Salaat regularly, mete out suitable punishment. It is essential to ingrain the practice of regular and punctual Salaat in the child from an early age.
  29. Never permit your children to read comics, picture-magazines or other similar western books and magazines which corrupt morals and character.
  30. Encourage children to read good Islamic books.
  31. Parents should gather their children and read to them reliable Islamic books daily. Stories of the Ambiya and Auliya should be read and told to them.
  32. Never give children money to waste on un-Islamic things such as fireworks, etc.
  33. Do not allow children to play games of gambling such as marbles in which there is winning and losing. Such games are described as ‘maisar’ (gambling) in Islam.
  34. Reprimand them if they mock or make fun of people – of their looks or their deformities. Explain to them that everyone is the creation of Allah and all creation is by Allah’s Will and Wisdom.
  35.             Inculcate in children the habit of doing their own work. Let them tend to their own beds, clothing and room. Teach them to be clean and tidy. Never tire of drawing their attention to their carelessness and untidiness. Untidiness and carelessness are just natural with children. Parents should repeatedly train their children with regard to tidiness and cleanliness without becoming frustrated.
  36. In matters of this nature, parents should not beat their children. Constant reminding will eventually have the desired effect.
  37. The child must be taught to refrain from strewing things hither and thither.
  38. Never permit children to do things surreptitiously or concealing from their superiors. When a child does something secretively, not wanting his/her superiors to know, then it indicates that the child knows it to be wrong. In this way the child will grow up with dishonesty.
  39. Teach the child to be humble. Do not allow him/her to praise any of his/her possessions.
  40. When a child accomplishes something good, congratulate him/her and occasionally reward him/her with a prize.
  41. Parents should not quarrel or argue with one another in the presence of their children.
  42. The mother should always teach the children to love, fear and respect their father.
  43. Do not allow your children outside the home after Maghrib. The hadith forbids this. The shayateen emerge in abundance after Maghrib and children form a desireable target for their mischief.