Muslim Feminism Destroys Marriage

By Umm Khalid -January 29, 2023

The dangerous thing about so-called “Muslim feminists” is that they know only random bits and pieces about Islam and apply these disparate ideas haphazardly to create a highly distorted, disturbed view.

They make arbitrary generic assertions like, “Islam is founded on mercy, kindness, and compassion!” Just a blanket assumption that they themselves assert, based on the skewed picture painted for them by their favorite Compassionate Imams.

These Muslim feminists also parrot feminist buzzwords that they try to inappropriately inject into Islam, keywords like “consent” and “freedom” and other vacuous concepts.
They make the natural unnatural. They make the beautiful ugly.

Take marriage, for example.

Muslim feminists usually end their tirades with the sentiment that Muslim marriage is “worse than prison,” as you see here in this screenshot. Typical feminist take.

In reality, Islam is free from feminist fantasies and delusions.

The Islamic marriage model is laid out for us by Allah, the Creator of both men and women, the Just, the All-Knowing. Overall, the tenor of the relationship is one of مودة ورحمة (love and mercy), سكينة (serenity, peace, tranquility), and معروف (that which is known as good, reasonable, kind). It is supposed to be a soft, loving bond between the husband and wife who find comfort and peace with one another and exist together in harmony.

But we cannot exist in harmony if we are out of sync with our fitra, our most primordial instincts and intuitions, our very human nature.

Allah tells us in the Quran certain principles and truths about the natures of men and women, femininity and masculinity, and gender roles in the family:

1. That males and females are very different:

وليس الذكر كالأنثى…

“And the male is not like the female…” (Surat Ali `Imran, 36)

2. That family roles exist and are different by gender:

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ ۚ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ…

“Men are authorities over women, by right of what Allah has granted one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard…” (Surat An-Nisa, 34)

3. That the husband has a particular degree of both rights and responsibilities above his wife, meaning also that he has a higher degree of authority:

وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ…

“And due to the women is similar to what is due from them [to their husbands], in what is reasonable, and men have a degree above them…” (Surat Al-Baqara, 228)

4. That in certain circumstances, if the wife is brazenly committing sins or openly defiant to her husband or acting rebellious or belligerent, the husband has the right to address her infractions and curb her injustices by meting out various methods of discipline as outlined by Allah:

وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ ۖ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا

“…But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance / defiance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them [lightly]. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allāh is ever Exalted and Grand.” (Surat An-Nisa, 34)

These are some parameters that guide the general framework of marriage in Islam, and what each party owes the other.

Both the husband and the wife have certain rights and certain responsibilities in Islam. It’s not a total free-for-all, not a blank slate we can just fill in with whatever we feel like. It’s not the liberal secular feminist model of egalitarianism or “equality” (as if such a farce is even possible).

Yet there is still some leeway for each family to adjust to its own set of circumstances within the range of the halal.

But this is not enough for the feminists.

RELATED: What Muslim Feminists Fail to Understand About Feminism

This average Muslim feminist, in the attached comment, objects to the basic structure of Islamic marriage, to the very concept of hierarchy:

She rejects the idea that the husband has the authority to “determine how much pocket money she needs.” She’s not pleased that a wife has the money that her husband gives her (nafaqa) instead of going out to work to make her own money for herself just because.

She rejects the idea that the husband has the authority to “determine who she sees, what she does.” Basically, that the wife does have to answer to her husband and obey him in what is halal. She’s displeased that the wife isn’t a total wild card, a completely free agent who can literally do anything she likes. Any sort of “restriction” is deemed intolerable to the feminist mind.

She rejects that the husband gets “the final word.” She hates the husband’s higher degree of authority (and therefore, responsibility). She wants to have zero power differential, zero hierarchy. The husband and wife must be “equals” or else the feminist will be enraged.

She also says accusingly, “She can’t refuse intimacy.” This feminist rejects the husband’s basic right to intimacy with his wife, and that the wife may not weaponize sex in the marriage. Again, for the feminist, this is an egregious breach of “freedom.”

She, right on cue, throws in the word “consent.”

To end her comment, the Muslim feminist declares that this (basically the Islamic marriage model) “sounds worse than prison” so she prefers her own “version” where Islam is exclusively built upon “kindness and compassion” and cotton candy and roses and sunshine and unicorns.

Feminism leads to a mentality where it is possible to reject the words of Allah Himself, the rules and regulations laid out by Allah, and the very principles of human nature.

Feminism is a path that leads to denying human nature and defying Allah Himself.

RELATED: Nawal El Saadawi – The Feminist Who Mercilessly Beat Women



Is it permissible for women to look at the picture of any Aalim, Shaikh or Buzrug whose gives talks on YouTube, television and other social media platforms? All of these buzrugs are na-mahaarem for the women?
If there is no fear of fitnah or lust then it is permissible for women to look at a video-talk of a reliable Aalim/Shaikh. But, since fitnah cannot be initially assessed, it is therefore precautionary for women not to look at the pictures when listening to the lecturer.
(End of the corrupt fatwa)

The aforementioned ‘fatwa’ to the question posed by a Pakistani lady, was issued by the darul ifta of Mufti Taqi. Every Muslim with healthy Imaan regardless of him/her lacking in Islamic Knowledge can understand the stupidity and invalidity of this corrupt fatwa.
Mufti Taqi is a halaalizer of haraam pictography, hence he and his darul ifta are in tight spots when such questions are posed. In seeking to wriggle out of the tight corner, these muftis adopt stupid fence-sitting stances which highlight the silliness and butlaan (invalidity) of the ‘fatwas’ which they disgorge by way of sucking their thumbs.
Firstly, the Qur’aan Majeed prohibits men and women looking at one another. “Say to the Mu’minaat to lower their gaze and to guard their chastity……” (An-Nur, Aayat 31). The first step towards zina (fornication/adultery) is the look, hence the Qur’aan prohibits looking without restrictive conditions. That is: it is haraam to look regardless of the assumption that the look is without lust. That the look is without lust is a shaitaani hallucination of the nafs. The Qur’aanic command is not abrogated on the basis of the hallucination of the look not being accompanied by lust.
The Qur’aan commands: “Do not come near to zina.” The look takes one near, very near to zina. In all cases, at least zina of the mind and heart is the first effect of the look. Even the moron mufti acknowledges in his fatwa that the Ihtiyaat (safety/precaution) necessitates abstention from looking.
Rasulullah (Sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said that the zina of the eyes is in looking… and the heart desires (zina).” But this wayward mufti says that it is permissible. Furthermore, he compounds his haraam, baatil fatwa with the kufr of pictures. Thus, the sin is a compounded double one: The sin of looking, and the kufr sin of believing that the haraam picture is halaal, and deceitfully encouraging women to stare at the ugly snouts of the so-called ‘buzrugs’ who advertise themselves on the worst kind of haraam media such as youtube, facebook and the like.
As far as the prohibition of looking is concerned, the Fuqaha have ruled that if one is aroused by looking even at one’s mahram female, e.g. niece, aunt, etc., then looking at her is forbidden. In one Hadith it is mentioned: “Every eye is adulterous.”
Despite the mas’alah being so palpably clear, the mufti befogs it with his stupid nafsaani answer because he is in a quandary stemming from his halaalizing of pictures.
The correct fatwa is simple and straightforward: Pictures are haraam. It is haraam for women to look at the ugly faces of the stupid molvis, shaikhs and crank buzrugs who appear on the satanic media screens. The sin is of an aggravated kind.



Posted on Fri 27 January 2023

A justifiably exasperated Sister from Durban, correctly lamenting about a group of Friends of Iblees operating in Durban with their promotion of Zina in various guises, says:

“I wrote the following message for ulema in Durban, will email Jamiat KZN. Al Ansaar is a well known radio station, organization that allows such gatherings. I am not happy about it. Im not happy about the fact that it seems okay to make Islam modern, and to give promiscuity an ‘islamic’ cover.

Message for the Ulama

“I have a question regarding a very concerned matter.

It has been brought to my attention that gatherings which are not in accordance to Shariah are taking place. A group called FRIENDS has been active for the past 6 years. The initial purpose and intention of this group was to uplift women, give them support, help guide them to the right path, especially divorced women and widows. But now it has become a gathering for the rich. Women who are supposed to be in purdah are exposed to men in these gatherings. There are no precautions taken into consideration. The laws of shariah are being blatantly flouted. There are women who even do match making against the laws of Shariah. They have groups with men and allow the women to chat.

The members who wish to join these gatherings have to pay towards the expenses of these gatherings. It’s not voluntary. It’s like a high tea-gathering for the elite and not for the poor community.

Are such gatherings allowed by the Shariah?

As a woman I know there is a limit to what I can do and cannot. When such gatherings are becoming so popular. Why are the ulema not stepping in and stopping it? A woman like me can create awareness about it being wrong but these women who are involved in initiating such evil gatherings will not stop unless the ulema tell them this is not allowed. This cannot happen. You are breaking the law of shariah.

There are so many similar incidents occurring and some sisters have reached out to me saying they asked the ulema for help, and nothing was done.

They went to the Jamiat and nothing was done. So this gives the people who are modernizing Islam more advantage because the men are not speaking up.

I feel it needs to be spoken about in the Musjids so that men can tell their wives. It needs to be spoken about in every community.

In this time of fitna and fasad, we have to start standing up against these gatherings because these women are allowing dunya’s glamor to sweep them off their feet.

Below is images of an invitation the group “FRIENDS” created . It will be held at Al Ansaar coffee shop and hall. This week. I urge you to please look into this and do something about it.

This same group, FRIENDS, is having another gathering at a bed and breakfast near the Musjid. They collaborate with Ilmsa.” (End of the Sister’s letter)


Yes, indeed this stercoraceous group of copro individuals is correctly described as ‘FRIENDS”. They are the FRIENDS of Shaitaan – the Chief Iblees. In fact they could be correctly designated as being the illegitimate progeny of Iblees. Shaitaan does have legitimate children who are devils of his ilk. But, his illegitimate progeny is made up of copro humans whom he fans out into the world as his primary agents to execute his multifarious schemes and conspiracies of fitnah and fasaad. Zaani-aat of the category of this group, not ordinary prostitutes plying their immoral trade, and Zanaadaqah who misinterpret the Qur’aan and Ahaadith to fabricate meanings as cover for their kufr and nifaaq, are among the illegitimate progeny of Iblees.

We find ourselves in this era which is the initial phase of the Age of Dajjaal. In this era of Dajjaaliyat most of the minor signs of Qiyaamah are being enacted in preparation for the final stage when Dajjaal himself will emerge as predicted by Rasulullah (Sallallahu alayhi wasallam).

While we lament and Islamically rant against all agents of Dajjaal and Iblees, we should not be surprised nor weaken our resolve regarding the vital and sacred obligation of Amr Bil Ma’roof Nahyi Anil Munkar which must be perpetuated until the very last regardless of who accepts or rejects. The Ulama should not abandon Amr Bil Ma’roof because of the wide-scale, intensive and extensive prevalence of shaitaani fitnah and fasaad. The process of fitnah is incremental. It will not decrease. We are heading for Qiyaamah, and the dunya has to be destroyed. Our objective is not to provide hidaayat (guidance). Hidaayat is the prerogative exclusively of Allah Azza Wa Jal. Confirming this reality, the Qur’aan Majeed states:

“Verily, you (O Muhammad!) cannot guide whom you love. But Allah guides whomever He wills, and He knows best who are to be guided.”

This ‘Friends’ group as described by the Sister and as their pictures and write-ups further elaborate, is undoubtedly a shaitaani ZINA group of shayaateenul ins (human devils) which Iblees has harnessed to lure stupid women into his snare of immorality, vice and Zina. All the women who are taking a leading role in the implementation of the Zina Plot of Shaitaan are confirmed zaani-aat who are being handled and mishandled by the zaani menfolk. The evil men in whose hands Shaitaan has placed the reins of this extremely jahannami insidious plot of zina has most cunningly trapped the prostitutes into the plot of Iblees.

These zaani-aat are satanically camouflaged as self-esteem coaches, psychiatrists, reflexocologists, coprocologists, najaasatocologists, sataniocologists, dajjaalocologists, etc., etc. Understand well, that all ‘psychiatrists’ and ‘counsellors’ are agents of Iblees. Whatever they dole out as ‘advice’ and ‘therapy’ are satanic ‘sciences’ inspired by Iblees. Only such ignorant Muslims whose Imaan dwells in the doldrums of moral corruption, who are bereft of any Yaqeen in Allah Ta’ala, visit such she and he-devils for advice. These villains who are qualified in the satanic ‘science’ of psychiatry and the like are in the same category as fortune-tellers and satanic astrologers. Your Imaan dangles by a thread when you visit these shaitaani rubbishes, and your Imaan says ‘goodbye’ to you after you emerge with confidence from these agents of Iblees.

The Sister is justified for her extremely mild criticism of the Durban Ulama for their silence. She mentions that this ‘Friends’ group of shaitaani zaani-aat has been inexistence in Durban since the past six years. It was therefore necessary for the Ulama to have castigated and excoriated this haraam, zina group operated by the Illegitimate Daughters of Iblees. The silence of the Ulama is a primary cause for sin and vice becoming indurate and embedded in the community.

While most Muslims in this age are absolutely jaahil, corrupt and evil, numerous among them are sincere and genuinely astray. Amr Bil Ma’roof will benefit such ignoramuses. As for the zaani-aat who are executing the plot of Iblees and who are operating under the appellation, ‘Friends’, there is no hope of reformation for them. They are not like ordinary prostitutes who are in the business only for money. While there is always hope for the reformation of commercial prostitutes, there is no hope whatsoever for such ZAANI-AAT who are the agents of Iblees – whose function it is to entrap other stupid women who have the tendencies of prostitutes.

The Qur’aan Majeed negates hope of reformation for these kind of copro-hybrid human-devils. In regard to the progeny of Shaitaan, Allah Ta’ala says in the Qur’aan Majeed:

“We have created numerous humans and jinn (specifically) as fuel for Jahannam.”

The Qur’aan describing the fodder of Hell-Fire variously epithelizes them as “Wuqooun Naar and Hasabu Jahannam.

The shameless intermingling of the sexes, the satanic match-making, the shaitaani glamour of tea parties, and the very satanic attitudes associated with this shaitaani group of copro individuals are some of the factors which even stupid Muslims can understand why this group is HARAAM and why their shaitaani functions are HARAAM.

“O People of Imaan! Save yourselves and your familes from the Fire… (Qur’aan)

Do not fall into the shaitaani trap of this shaitaani “Friends’ group consisting of human devils.

5 Rajab 1444 – 27 January 2023

Marital Problems


Posted on Sun 3 October 2010



ASSALAMU ALAIKUM 19 Muharram 1431 (6-01-2010)

It is essential to understand that the Shariah (Allah’s Law) is one thing, and your husband’s actions are something else. Many women appear to confuse the two issues. If the husband is unjust and fails to fulfil his marital obligations, the wife lacking in sound Islamic knowledge invariably equates her husband’s misdeeds with Islam. It is precisely for this reason that you ask: “Is Islam only for men??” This questions displays your lack of understanding of Islam. If a wife is unfaithful to her husband and commits sins, you will not find the husband asking: “Is Islam only for women??”

You and us all do commit sins. If you commit a sin will it be proper to infer that Islam teaches you to sin? You should reflect deeply because the question which you have asked is exceptionally grave in that it is a sign of great deficiency in Islamic beliefs.

The second issue which you should understand is that Islam does permit a man up to four wives. This is Allah’s Law. Any Muslim who refutes this confirmed law of the Shariah does so at the peril of his/her Imaan.

We cannot comment on the ownership of the wealth you and your husband possess. We do not know what the initial arrangement/agreement was between the two of you. If you explain in detail how the business was structured and what agreement existed, then we shall refer the matter to the Ulama to obtain the Shariah’s Ruling.

Surely you are intelligent enough to understand that Islam does not teach your husband to say ‘the nastiest things’ to you. It is therefore highly improper to ask: ‘Is Islam only for men.’ It conveys the impression that you believe that Islam allows your husband to say ‘the nastiest things’ to you.

Even if you are averse to your husband taking another wife, you must be careful of falling into the trap of jeopardizing your Imaan by rejecting the Law of Allah Ta’ala. If you cannot accept your husband taking another wife, then while understanding and accepting that it is permissible for him, you may ask him to divorce you. Initially he may not be inclined to divorce you. But if you persist in your request and ask some seniors to persuade him, then he will ultimately relent. Also remember, that you as a Muslim should react intelligently and with dignity in this matter. If your marriage must end, let it be amicably in the way Islam teaches.

May Allah Ta’ala guide and protect you.


Can Men and Women Be Just Friends in Islam?

Is it possible for men and women to just be friends? And by that I mean, can they be friends without experiencing any kind of feelings of a unilateral or multilateral romantic or sexual bond?

We need a clear answer because Islam warns strongly against friendships between the genders. This is despite the unfortunate fact that many Muslims today do not heed this warning.

Then you have many convert sisters who feel hurt when they are forced to sever ties with their male friends. They are simply not able to understand, at least at first.

And I wish this was a problem that was exclusive to converts. However, sadly it is common even among sisters who were born into Muslim families. Many sisters think it is perfectly fine to have male friends prior to getting married, so long as they just send out messages on the evening of their wedding, politely asking these men to not contact them anymore.

Most of them view this prohibition as simply being a cultural practice, or no longer relevant during this day and age. This is a view that is also perpetuated by modernists/deformists who try to distort the teachings of Islam.

As such, these sisters believe we are simply overreacting. They even wonder how they’d ever be able to find a husband if they’re now allowed to speak with men casually and enjoy their company.

Without even delving into the obvious negative effects that developing bonds with strange men can have on their future marriage, let’s address the nonsensical ideas of it being fine to be friends with men; and that such relationships can flourish in an unambiguous way.

RELATED: Is Islamic Gender Separation a Sign of Backwardness?

Allah (Mighty and Majestic is He) says:

وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا۟ ٱلزِّنَىٰٓ ۖ إِنَّهُۥ كَانَ فَـٰحِشَةًۭ وَسَآءَ سَبِيلًۭا

And you shall not ever approach illicit sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is [utter] lewdness and a most evil way. (Qur’an, 17:32)

We already know it is forbidden, but if it can be proven that friendships between males and females may involve arousal and attraction in any sort of way, this should be sufficient for any doubters that such friendships would constitute an “approach” towards Zina and should thus be stopped and prevented altogether.

Take a look at this survey which was conducted in 2007 on a college campus. It highlights how 7 out of 10 women had reported that someone of the opposite sex had misperceived their friendliness as sexual interest. Before you jump the gun and accuse all men of being irrational perverts, 6 out of 10 men reported the same regarding their female friends:

Both women and men frequently report that their sexual intentions have been misperceived by someone of the opposite sex, although substantially more women than men report that their level of sexual interest was overperceived (Abbey, 1987Haselton, 2003Koss & Oros, 1982). For example, Koss and Oros (1982) found that 70% of the female and 53% of the male college students in their survey reported that the level of sexual intimacy they desired from a member of the opposite sex had been misperceived at least once. Similarly, Abbey (1987, Study 1) found that 72% of college women and 60% of college men reported that someone of the opposite sex had misperceived their friendliness as a sexual come-on. Among those students who had been misperceived, the average number of misperceptions was 4.8. These findings are typically explained in terms of the ambiguous meaning of many nonverbal and verbal cues (P. A. Anderson, 1985Fichten, Tagalakis, Judd, Wright, & Amsel, 1992Kowalski, 1993). People may be signaling sexual interest when they smile, stand close, give a compliment, or pat someone of the opposite sex on the arm; however, they also may be signaling friendship or attention. The multiple meanings associated with flirtatious cues contribute to frequent misunderstandings, particularly early in an interaction (Henningsen, 2004Koeppel, Montagne-Miller, O’Hair, & Cody, 1993).

RELATED: French Politicians: How Gender Mixing Is Feeding Rape Culture

The reality is that women are very skilled when it comes lying to themselves and ignoring the obvious desires of their male friends. Cynics may argue that women are highly aware of these cues, but they ignore them out of fear of ruining their “backup plan.” This is where women keep a male friend⁠—who is otherwise not “good enough” for them to even consider romantically⁠—so that she can settle for less and simply marry him if she can’t find the man she actually wants. This practice is referred to as “monkey branching,” and some informal surveys suggest that a significant number of women take part in it:

A new, not-so-scientific survey of 1,000 married women conducted by the Daily Mail found that 50 percent have a “fall-back partner” should their current marriage take a turn for the worse.

A spokesman for — the online market research company who conducted the poll for the Daily Mail — said, “For our research to establish that 50 percent of women in relationships have a ‘Plan B’ is a worrying sign.”

To conclude with, a 2012 study showed that men reported a higher average level of attraction to their female friends than vice-versa, succinctly ending the debate over cross-sex friendships once and for all:

The findings from Study 1 highlight men’s greater physical-sexual attraction to their cross-sex friends relative to women’s, as well as men’s tendency to overestimate their friends’ attraction to them. These findings provide initial support for the overarching hypothesis that men’s and women’s perceptions of their cross-sex friends reflect the structure of men’s and women’s evolved mating strategies. We documented these effects using pairs of friends, so the higher level of attraction reported by young men cannot be a result of men’s responses being about a different “type” of friend compared to womenPerhaps the young women were less inclined than men were to admit attraction to a cross-sex friend, but our findings coincide with a variety of other studies that have documented sex differences in attraction toward friends (e.g., Kaplan & Keys, 1997).

There is no absolutely justification for your wife to have male friends or casual, friendly chats and meetings with other guys. Only an effeminate, honorless, ghayrah-less dayyuth would be fine with other guys developing feelings towards their wife and fantasizing about her.

Friendship with a member of the opposite sex is a clear and undeniable path towards fornication. I urge every Muslim, especially the youth, to completely abandon this dangerous practice that has been picked up from the disbelievers. Sacrificing your desires is not always easy, but do it for the sake of Allah and He will facilitate it for you and grant you immense rewards. Otherwise, it may ruin both your dunya and your akhirah; it may destroy your soul as well as your present or future marriage.

RELATED: Ikhtilāṭ: A Critical But Neglected Islamic Prohibition


Muslims: Stop Coddling Your Children… Before It’s Too Late!

Sometimes when my kids ask me for help with certain things, I specifically don’t help them.

When they make a mess, I deliberately have them clean it up themselves. When they ask particular questions, I direct them to a book to look it up instead of immediately giving them the answer myself.

I consciously step back and let my children struggle, strive, fail, become frustrated, pick themselves back up, try again, make mistakes, fix the mistakes, and seek alternative solutions.

This used to be hard for me as a mom, but it has gotten easier over the years alhamdulillah.

As I’ve grown older and gained more experience with childrearing, I’ve realized some important realities:

I am a mother, not a martyr.

My children are adults-in-training, not perpetual babies.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to step back and not be overly helpful. Get out of the way.

This applies to our relationship with our children, but also to other relationships in our life.
You can’t solve other people’s problems all the time. You can’t save people from themselves if they aren’t ready to help themselves. You can’t over-function to compensate for people who under-function.

For some people, this can be a hard lesson to learn. Those of us who are empathetic by nature, who feel obliged to help, who are moved to do for others, this is often a nearly impossible concept to truly grasp. The feelings of guilt and anxiety get too strong.
We are, socially, taught to be kind, to have empathy, to show compassion. We are pressured to help others, moved by guilt or pity or a sense of obligation.

RELATED: Traumatic Childhood and Parenting: How to Overcome Your Past

And these directives are true, in some cases. These values of kindness, empathy, and compassion are excellent values. As Muslims, we know this.

But…at what point does empathy become enabling?

At what point does compassion become coddling?

At what point does repeatedly asking for mercy become manipulation?

At what point does our help simply teach others to become helpless, dependent on us continuously, and irresponsible for their own actions?

Sometimes, when someone we care about makes bad decisions, we feel compelled to shield them from the results of their poor decisions, instead of letting them face the natural consequences of their actions.

Our empathy for them compels us to constantly bail them out, to fix or cover for their mistakes, to swoop in to save the day. We absorb the impact so that they don’t feel a thing.

The pattern becomes cemented: we are the eternal saviors/ helpers, and they are the eternal victims/ babies.

This, done for years or decades, will yield disastrous results.

Not only for us, the perpetual helpers who will feel emotionally burned out, but also for them, the perpetual victims who never learn to change.

Anything given in unchecked excess causes damage.

If parents have excessive empathy for their children, they may coddle, pamper, and baby the children until they grow into entitled, irresponsible, incompetent overgrown infants with no life skills who become a burden to society.

If a husband has excessive compassion for his wife who acts unjustly, he may continually overlook her egregious behavior, go along with her tyranny, or repeatedly excuse her bad actions with some feel-good platitudes about “love” or “wisdom” or “mercy” even while the rights of innocents are usurped.

If a friend has excessive empathy for another, they may never comment on bad behavior, never give sincere advice that’s badly needed, never hold up a mirror to their wild, wayward friend who lacks accountability.

If a popular “Islamic speaker” is laser-focused on ideas of mercy and love in Islam exclusively at the expense of concepts like Islamic justice and Islamic rules and principles, he ends up grossly distorting people’s understanding of the deen in the name of “tolerance” or “prophetic adab.” Such people mis-portray Islam as some feel-good Christian-like “God loves you” and “Don’t judge” and “Piety is only in your heart” fluff with no substance. This misplaced, over-exaggerated, heavy-handed “compassion” is why we call such speakers “Compassionate Imams.” (In Arabic we call them “el imams el cute.”)

Of course, compassion, empathy, and mercy are wonderful and important values–but they are not to be applied indiscriminately in any and all situations blindly. This is true on the societal, the familial and the individual levels.

Mercy must be tempered with justice.

Love must be tempered with discipline.

Empathy must be tempered with reason.

Feelings must be tempered with facts.

Emotions must be tempered with logic.

Emotional reactions must be tempered with reality and rationality.

Otherwise, when we over-apply excessive empathy, thinking we are helping others, in reality we are only hurting them and ourselves.

Chaos ensues.

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The Importance of Teaching Our Children Correct Gender Roles

Raise your young boys to be men. Raise your young girls to be women. Let their natural masculinity and natural femininity, respectively, be allowed to surface and nurture it instead of stifling it.

Sometime last year, we were visiting family. I was sitting in the front room, close to the front door of the house, with my kids and relatives, relaxing.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door and one of the little kids (not one of my own) ran and immediately flung the door open excitedly. We heard a man’s voice issue a greeting on the doorstep.

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I was not wearing my hijab and, while I was not visible yet if the man stepped into the house and turned his head to the side, he would see me. I looked around me frantically for my hijab, but it was not next to me on the chair I happened to be sitting on.

The next part happened swiftly, in quick succession. Before I could say a single word, my oldest son, 8 years old, immediately assessed the situation and ran to stand directly in front of me, putting his body between me and the man at the front door. He had his back to me, stood facing the strange man. His younger brother, my 6-year-old, saw his brother’s stance and ran to stand right next to him. Meanwhile, my 5-year-old ran and grabbed my hijab, which my 2.5-year-old Khalid had been playing with earlier. He came over and handed it to me. I quickly put it on.

A minute or so later, the man was gone.

But I still had tears in my eyes, as I gazed in wonder and awe at the wall of boys in front of me. They stood shoulder to shoulder, forming a wall, using their bodies to block the man’s view of their mother.

I had not asked them to do that, nor had I explicitly instructed them any time in the past to do this particular action in case of such a random situation.

Generally, they knew that Muslim women cover themselves in the presence of strange men and that Mama can only take off her hijab in the context of family. We had talked about the concept of الحياء (hayaa’), modesty, which is a beautiful Islamic value that is important for both men and women. In everyday life, they observe how their father–the man of the house–is with their mother.

But it shook me, in the best of ways, to see them apply such general knowledge to a specific situation. It touched me deeply to see their instinctive response, their natural desire to defend, their masculine protective nature in action.

Once we were alone again, I hugged each boy in turn and thanked them. They saw the tears in my eyes and asked me why I was crying.

I said, ” ! الحمد لله! أنا بربي رجال! ”

“I’m raising (doing tarbiya of) men, alhamdulillah!”

They stood taller, their backs straight, grinning with pride and satisfaction.

We live in a world where so many different elements combine together to villainize, pathologize and criminalize masculinity.

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Men are stifled, their nature deemed “toxic” and their instincts are seen as primitive and oppressive. Under the oppressive influence of feminism, modern society punishes any overt displays of masculinity or femininity, railroading both boys and girls and the men and women they grow up to be, into a strange androgynous creature, neither here nor there.

But we Muslims know that this is extremely harmful to our children, both boys, and girls. Celebrate your daughter’s femininity and your son’s masculinity and treat these traits as a good thing. The aim is to ease their transition into adulthood and help them find their footing as men and women inshaAllah.

Renowned physician and psychologist Dr. Leonard Sax writes in his book Why Gender Matters:

“The transition to adulthood. More than in any other realm, there’s where modern society lets kids down. We offer our children no guidance about what it means to be an adult woman or an adult man. No other culture has ever abandoned young people making the transition to gendered adulthood as completely as the twenty-first-century post-industrial societies of North America, Western Europe, and Australia/ New Zealand.

In traditional societies, the transition to gendered adulthood is a matter of great importance…One hundred years from now, scholars may look back at the disintegration of early twenty-first-century culture and conclude that a fundamental cause for the unraveling of our social fabric was the neglect of gender in the raising of our children–not only in our schools, but also in the disbanding of gender-separate activities across generations, and in the near elimination of single-gender communal activities: women with girls, men with boys. I wonder what those future historians will say about how long it took us to recognize our mistake, to recognize that gender matters.” (Why Gender Matters, p. 250-251)

What modern American non-Muslim researchers like Dr. Sax are finding out and suggesting has long been known by Muslims, taught to us as an integral part of our deen from the time of the Prophet ﷺ. These concepts and values have been commanded by our Creator, Allah, who has fashioned boys and girls, men and women.

May Allah grant us the wisdom to apply these teachings in our tarbiya of our children, ameen.


The Beauty of Forgiving Your Spouse

When all you’d seen around you were bad marriages, a good marriage comes as a shock.

This happens to many people. Which is one reason why many young women (and men) are scared to get married, thinking it will most likely be terrible. Marriage today has such a bad rap.

This happened to me personally.

I remember a specific incident in the first month or two of my marriage, and it has stuck with me for the past decade and a half.

My husband and I had had a random argument or disagreement (I forget now about what), but I remember distinctly that I had been more in the wrong.

So I went to him to apologize. I said, “I’m sorry for what I said–”

Immediately, he warmly replied, “It’s okay. Thank you for apologizing. I’m sorry too.”

His response was so quick, so instant that it had actually cut me off. He took me off guard completely.

He had interrupted me. I had been just starting the “apology process,” which refers to the long, arduous, agonizing process of apologizing to someone who refuses to be placated or appeased. Someone who refuses to forgive or forget. Someone who seems to revel in your mistakes so that they could hold them over your head and use them as ammunition for a long time to come. Someone who requires long, elaborate apologies, begging, pleading, groveling, maybe even some crying. Only then, MAYBE, if you were lucky and they were in a good mood, they may deem it fit to semi-“forgive” you. For now anyway.

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I had only seen this model in the marriages I had seen around me until that point in my life.

I had never seen a marriage where forgiveness was easy, where apologies were simple yet sincere, and where people were allowed to be human and make honest mistakes.

I was astounded, of course.

As I stared at my husband, frowning with suspicion and consternation at him, trying to figure out his game, I said, “That’s it? Just like that? We’re good?”

He smiled and held my hand. “It’s water under the bridge.”

Another expression I had never heard before.

What kind of mind games was this man playing??

He said something along the lines of, “We are going to have fights and arguments. We are both going to make mistakes and accidentally hurt each other’s feelings sometimes. And that’s all right. No problem. We just have to apologize and forgive each other. And then we move on, no grudges. And over time, our marriage will inshaAllah get better and better, as we learn from our mistakes and get to know each other better. Nobody is perfect, so we just have to be flexible and easygoing. Marriage doesn’t have to be hard.”

It was an amazing moment for me. An epiphany. A revelation.

Marriage doesn’t have to be hard, or miserable, or stressful.

Marriage can be whatever you decide to make it.

Your own marriage does not have to mirror the sad, bad, unhealthy, or dysfunctional marriages you may have seen growing up in your family or extended family or neighbors or friends.

Your marriage is YOURS.

Be open to learning new ways to think, to feel, to *be*, with your spouse. Let go of the past. Remove the old fear, dread, suspicion, mistrust, pessimism, and cynicism that you have learned to view marriage with.

Dare to be hopeful, optimistic, and trusting as you form your own marriage, your own relationship with your spouse.

Unclench your hand from around the old baggage that you’d been tightly clutching for years.

Put your hand in your spouse’s hand and start a new, beautiful chapter.

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How Muslim Parents Can Avoid Losing Their Children to Disbelief and Atheism

Parents in today’s age are quickly losing their authority.

Homeschooling is one of the best and most effective ways for you as the parent to regain control over your own child, reclaim your natural parental authority, and recommit to your full responsibility for the tarbiya of your child.

Homeschooling allows you to:

  1. Have control over what your child learns, which means you can:
  2. Prioritize the learning of Islam and important Islamic subjects: Quran (hifdh حفظ / memorization, tafsir تفسير, tajweed تجويد, tadabbur تدبر/ reflection), seerah / biography of the Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and of his Sahaba and stories of the prophets, hadith, `aqida, Arabic, and instill a deep love of Allah Most High.
  3. Protect your child from the woke sicknesses forced down the throats of schoolchildren in modern secular public and private schools, like HGTV and other illnesses that are made to seem “normal” and “beautiful.”
  4. Inoculate your child against the biggest diseases of modernity, the -isms taken for granted in the mass schooling system: atheism, scientism, materialism, liberalism, feminism, individualism, hedonism, satanism. Save your child from falling into these traps and explain their inherent flaws and irrationality, while demonstrating why and how Islam is far superior.
  5. Teach your child “secular” academics much faster and more efficiently at home one-on-one than in school at the usual 20-to-one ratio. Use your intimate knowledge of your child’s personality and learning style to tailor the material to fit your child’s needs, so that learning is even deeper and more impactful.
  6. Protect your child from the hyper-sexualized environment of the public sphere, including sadly modern public and private schools. Guard your child’s fitra and innocence for as long as possible.

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  1. Teach your children manners, social graces, and beautiful etiquette according to Islam at home, instead of letting the mass schooling environment destroy these things. The “socialization” that happens in school is one of the worst things that can happen to a child: learning how to curse, be foulmouthed and vulgar, act shamelessly, behave brazenly, defy adult authority, are part of the “socialization” of school. Socialize your own child properly at home.
  2. Impart your own mother language to your child well. One of the worst losses of public school is the loss of Arabic/ Urdu/ Bangla/ Turkish/ Farsi/ Swahili and other original languages of our Islamic countries. English learned in school replaces them all, superseding them in your child’s mind and mindset. This language barrier creates a gap between the understanding of parents and their children, causing a rift in the relationship, estrangement, emotional distance. The parent and the child no longer speak the same language, literally AND figuratively.
  3. Choose your child’s friends and playmates by vetting them carefully and knowing their families. When your child is institutionalized in the system, you as the parent get no say in who your child hangs around all day in class, in sports, or extracurricular activities. Your child will be influenced by the presence of these other children and you will have no idea who they are.
  4. You will reclaim your rightful place as the main influence in your child’s life. You will be the primary caregiver, primary teacher, primary role model. You will have the authority and the right to impart your own values to your own child, your own principles and convictions. You will be able to pass on Islam to your child unfettered by the intervention of external forces and unhindered by the time constraints imposed by the mass schooling schedule. You, the adult who birthed the child, will be also the adult who raises the child and moulds his personality and refines his character. It will also be YOU who has to stand before Allah and answer for how you raised or didn’t raise your child, so regaining your natural authority to be able to fulfill your parental responsibilities is critical.

Parents, we live in a time of war. An ideological war that is being waged for the hearts and minds of our own children.

How would you like to proceed so you can win the war? Allow your enemy to take control of your own child and just forfeit the fight? Or stand up and reclaim your natural authority as a parent?

Interested in homeschooling but don’t know where to start? Take Alasna’s course: Bonded Hearts, Noble Minds.

Want a Quranic homeschool curriculum that takes the guesswork out of what to teach your children? Try Alasna’s Quranic Homeschool curricula.


Don’t Pass on Your Parents’ Mistakes to Your Children

Our loyalty to our parents should not prevent us from working to correct any parenting mistakes they may have made in raising us. In fact, it is our responsibility toward our children that we do so.

Otherwise, we passively and unconsciously pass on the problems to all future generations. This is terrible because, as parents, our job is to protect our children from harm, not visit harm upon our children.

Recently, I met an African American non-Muslim woman in her fifties, and the conversation turned to raising children. Let’s call her Monica.

Monica had one daughter, now in her twenties.

She said, “It took me years to figure out that the way I was raising my daughter was affected so heavily by the way my mother raised me. And the way my mother raised me was affected so heavily by my mother’s traumas and anxieties. I had to see that so I could stop myself from being the same mother as my own mother.”

Monica’s mother had given birth to a set of twins before Monica was born. They were baby boys who seemed normal and healthy at birth.

But when they turned six months old, the babies became so sick that they had trouble breathing. Their mother, desperate with worry and fear, rushed her babies to the nearest hospital.

But this was decades ago in the American deep South, and this hospital refused to take in this black family. They turned away this mother with her sick babies, directing her instead to the black hospital farther away.

The twin boys died on the way. They never made it to the second hospital.

This unbelievable tragedy broke Monica’s mother’s heart. It haunted her, depriving her of sleep and almost of her very sanity.

My eyes filled with tears as Monica narrated this bit of her family history to me.

Several years after the death of the twins, Monica was born. A healthy, normal daughter born to a grieving, traumatized mother.

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Her mother’s grief and trauma were completely understandable and justified, of course. Anyone who lived through what this mother had lived through would be affected.

But Monica’s mother was never able to process or work through her pain and grief at the death of her previous children. Instead, that pain and grief completely controlled her and dictated her raising of her daughter.

She never put her baby daughter down, always carrying her in her arms to the point of obsession. She watched baby Monica sleep at night, to make sure she was breathing. Even when the baby became a toddler who wanted to get down from her mother’s over-protective arms, her mother refused to put her down. Monica was slightly delayed with learning to walk because her mother carried her too much.

As a child, Monica was never allowed any space, any privacy, any room to breathe. Her mother always hovered over her, anxious and over-close. As Monica grew older, her mother continued to be reflexively controlling, telling Monica what to eat, wear, do, say, where to go and with whom. Every area of Monica’s life, down to the minute details, was anxiously mapped out for her by her mother.

When Monica was finally told by her father about the death of her twin brothers, it explained much of her mother’s behavior. Monica began to understand more why her mom was the way she was, and she began to resent her suffocating nature less.

But, interestingly, when Monica married and had a daughter of her own, she unconsciously began to be the same kind of mother as her own mother. The process of turning into her mother with her own daughter happened subtly, without Monica being aware.

It took Monica’s daughter rebelling against her mother’s suffocating closeness and overwhelming control for Monica to wake up and realize that she had accidentally turned into her own mother.

Years later, after much introspection, reflection, and difficult inner work, Monica has changed herself and her parenting. She learned that we often simply re-enact what we saw growing up. That we do whatever was done to us. We raise our own children however our parents had raised us. But this can often be damaging to our children, just as it was damaging to us when we were ourselves children.

Without examining the past, we will simply pass it along to our innocent children. Without self-awareness as parents, we will unconsciously turn into our own parents and repeat their parenting mistakes.

It is often the case that our parents’ mistakes are actually understandable, given whatever they had to deal with. The unjust death of the twin babies was a genuine tragedy that understandably left Monica’s mother scarred and traumatized. So to acknowledge the mistakes of parents is not to blame parents.

It is simply for us to understand where and why our parents may have veered away from healthy parenting, so that we can stop ourselves from replicating their dysfunctions. But the first step is to identify the dysfunctions and see them as unhealthy, so that we can be made aware.

This is the first step in the process of self-differentiation. When we come into our own as adults and especially as parents, and deliberately distinguish ourselves from our past so that we don’t blindly repeat its problems.

Yet even the most self-aware, self-differentiated, conscientious parent will make mistakes. No parent is perfect. Whatever baggage we as parents don’t address, will be handed down to our children to carry as burdens.

There will almost always be issues that we accidentally pass on to our children, despite our best efforts. The question is: how many issues do you want to pass on to your children?

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